1. Pandemic ''Dating''

Victoria Shortley is the first guest to dish out some advice with Alex on Laugh It Off! They end up learning an awful lot about each other in the process! Please leave a review on iTunes x

Transcript

Well well well, here we are the first episode of laugh it off we have Alex, and I'm your host, Alex. 

As someone who has spent a lot of time working on themselves over the years, I wanted to start this podcast to spread a bit of love, give genuine advice and help remind you all to laugh along the way. Life can be tough but if we can laugh about it. It's just that a little bit easier. I'm an educator comedian and most importantly, I'm here to help. 

Now I don't know if you have noticed the pandemic going on. I'm talking about COVID-19, which is the worst name for a virus right? When I first heard it, I thought it was another one of Elon Musk's children! So I'm currently on a detox… from the new because it was like watching a horror movie several times a day. And let me tell you listeners…ignorance IS bliss, it's not just a saying! 

I'll just keep following the rolls and smelling my own breath in my mask, and you can all tell me when the pandemics over! I had a bit of a scare this week, my laptop, got a virus. I don't know if it's THE virus, but I am socially distanced just in case. The good news is that gonorrhoea cases are dropping. I'm not on the market myself, but pandemic dating sounds kind of amazing to me, a zoom date that is restricted to 40 minutes with the free version. Perfect! No more fake emergency calls or texts necessary, like looking at your phone like,

‘’Oh my God, my best friend's cat was just murdered… and they think it's terminal’’

Dating must take such less prep like the only requirement is to be awake. And if you don't wash off your makeup from the night before then you are date ready in the a.m. So you literally just need to sleep in something that looks like normal daytime clothing…. And also you know keep a bottle of wine next to the bed so you're always ready for drinks and, you are good to go. Plus, if you don't actually want to meet up with someone in person, just start coughing into a voice note or on FaceTime or whatever and trust me, they are gonna cancel! However, dating old men and women is kind of out of the question like they are too high risk… and they can't use zoom. Despite being shown…. Twice…..that day. Tinder usage went up by 52% globally In April 2020. So one month into the quarantine and half the world was like, ‘I can't be by myself’! 

Sexting rates must be through the roof. I heard that the internet, actually got pregnant from all the big pigs being sent in the last year. I know what a slut! So there you have it. My Guide to Dating in a pandemic. You're welcome. 

Each episode my guest and I will have a chat, dish out some advice to our callers, laugh and also play a game together.

My guest today is the wonderful fabulous, Victoria Shortley, arguably one of the nicest people I've met and also hilarious. Here is Victoria shortly. Victoria.
 
 Victoria! 

Hiya, you alright?
 
 I am very very well thank you so much for joining me.
 
 Oh, it's my pleasure, my pleasure.
 
 So Victoria and I, we met in the comedy world, and Victoria How would you describe our friendship?
 
 Well, it's kind of a new friendship I would say it's like a little duckling of a friendship. And I'm hoping it will grow into a beautiful swan of a friendship. However, depending on how this podcast goes. It may just remain an ugly duckling I don't know, we'll see, we'll see what happens
 
 First podcast. No pressure!
 So what advice would you give me for the podcast?
 
 I would say probably just tell the truth. You're always telling the truth to me. That's why I'm on this show I'm too scared.
 
 I'm not scary! I'm not scary.
 
 She's not she's not.
 
 What should my audience know about you before they take any advice from you?
 
 Just that I'm very confident in my advice giving. I give it, even when people don't want it. So luckily that's why I'm on this show because people do actually want it.
 
 Well, we'll see..
 
 Has anyone ever told you that you're good at giving advice?

1000s of people
 
 1000s? really? All right, well, I guess it's time to find out. Let's listen to this week's problem, voicemail.
 
 ‘Hi, if it's okay i'd like to remain anonymous. Basically, I have this friend who is behaving a little bit crazy at the moment, and I don't really know what to do. She recently got dumped by a boyfriend that they were together for about three years. He was a bit of a tool to be honest but my friend has been struggling with the breakup and other of our friends suggested she starts online dating, and she has but it isn't quite what I would call dating. And she's been having a string of drunken one night stands, which I'm not judging her for, but we are in a pandemic and it just isn't safe. I mean I'm almost 100% sure she there is no social distancing or mastering these hookups. She said she's on the rebound which I'm cool with but Hello? remember COVID? I've told her I think it's dangerous and irresponsible and now she isn't speaking to me. What do I do? Do I call the police? Do I call her mum? How can I protect my friend from herself? 

 Ah, we've all been in love with an idiot right? Maybe a few idiots?
 
 Mm hmm. I'm hearing that
 
 What is the worst thing you've done post breakup Victoria?
 
 Well, to be honest. You're expected me to say something, I keyed someone's car or something. I'm actually quite pleasant during breakups but there was this one time where I was living with a guy, and we broke up, but he was kind enough to let me stay in the property until I found somewhere else. And I thought I know what what I'm gonna do. I know what was show him. So I'm just gonna delete his number. I thought it was really awkward deleting his number thinking I got one up on you, and then coming down and seeing him in the morning, a bit like. And I said to my friend like yeah I've even deleted his number, everything and she was like, but you're still living with him…so what’s the point? And I was like yeah….but it just made me feel better at the time, so.
 
 Wow. Now, I'm thinking, which breakup catastrophe do I want to disclose at this point? I mean, there's the time I refused a break up, the time I took a stranger on holiday, the time I left an angry voicemail on the family home voicemail. I have too many to choose from.
 
 Wow, it sounds like a lot!
 
 Yeah, you know, I was young, I'm gonna say I was young, I was bit lost you know…I didn't take breakups well when I was younger 
 
 It sounds like you've been through quite a few..
 
 Well. Some of them are kind of linked to the same person. Let's just say, there was enough, there was enough breakups
 
 Yeah  think I can I can really sympathise with the caller on wanting to do something to get over this breakup because I think sometimes we forget how daft we've all been
 
 yeah and a heartbreak can hurt so bad, you know, really can.
 
 But that's how you know it was worth it. If you wasted all that time and didn't feel a thing. What was the point in the relationship in the first place?
 
 Exactly, and there's so much to learn so much to learn from those relationships that didn't work out.
 
 Yeah, definitely.
 
 My, my first thought, My dear anonymous caller is have compassion for your friend. I mean, as you said, she is clearly going through something right now. And the other thing I want to mention is that you clearly care about your friend in law and I can see that you're trying to be a good friend, Victoria, what are your initial thoughts?
 
 Well you know I feel that the friend is obviously searching for some, some love. Basically, and she's just going about it the wrong way that so she obviously feels rejected. And she's trying to do what she can to make herself feel good again because you know when a relationship ends it is hard, and unfortunately Your friend is just going around it the wrong way. And, you know, I think you're just going to have to be there for her when she does come to you and seek further advice because she will wake up, she will wake up and realise,
 
 I agree. Victoria. Would you call the police on me if I went on a drunken horny COVID rampage?

 I think I might have done that once before COVID! Noo - I don't think I would, but if I'm if I've got a good relationship with, with my friend's mum, I might just have a little chat with her. You know, just to share my concerns, but I think calling the police on a friend, it could be quite detrimental for your future friendship. I mean, yes COVID is here and we all need to be careful. But a lifelong friendship. I wouldn't want to sacrifice, but I can understand her worries.
 
 In the interest of my curious brain, I did speak to a police officer about this issue to find out if this is considered criminal activity
 
 Was this when you were in custody?

Oh stop it!
 
 He now of course thinks that it's me on the heartbroken horny hunt but he did say if this behaviour was reported they would speak with the accused and if there was evidence of breaking lockdown rules there would be fines issued. So, you know, you really need to think if you're gonna call the police on your friend. I also really really wish I could be a fly on the wall from where this anonymous person asks her friend if they're wearing masks or one nightstand.
 
 Well, I'm sure, even before COVID… I'm sure I've worn a few masks during one nightstands
 
 Different type of mask. Moving swiftly on… in answer to your question anonymous, you sort of can't protect your friend from herself and in the ways you suggested, such as contacting her mum or the police I think you are crossing a boundary that you just won't easily be able to come back from in terms of your friendship I think your friend feels judged by your concern and that's why she's not speaking to you at the moment. What are your final thoughts Victoria?
 
 Yeah, you know, the friend is obviously is searching for something, and she does probably feel that you're well meaning is coming across in the wrong way. I just think, let your friend know that you're there for her but you know you cannot condone that side of it. You know you've got relatives, she's got relatives. I think just make that clear but that you are always there for her.
 
 Yeah, just because you're heartbroken doesn't mean there isn't still a global pandemic and we all need to be doing a bit. I think my final thoughts are: I would put a text together something like, ‘Hi honey Helen, and I'm sorry if I upset you the other day, I know you're going through with this breakup and I'm here to support my intentions weren't to upset you, but to prevent you from getting sick or making someone else sick happy to talk when you are love anonymous.’ Also, I think I need to prescribe you some self care because this has obviously been very stressful for you and you need to look after yourself too. We all do! Have a nice bath do some exercise…

Not sexual exercise! Just to make that clear.
 
 Hey it's self care soo…

oh okay yeah all for self care, all for self care!
 
 And remind yourself that you can't control others. All you can do is voice your opinion, be supportive and let other people make their own choices.
 
 Well said,
 
 Victoria -  Do you have any sort of post breakup rituals or routines?
 
 Take all the pictures down
 
 oh yeah that's a good one
 
 I delete the number I'm very good at deleting. Trying to block the number, and that's a good. But that's more out of anger and then I'm like, Oh, I wish I hadn't now because I really wonder if they're gonna text me, like how am I gonna know that they're gonna beg me to go back to them, if I've blocked their number?
 
 Are you a Facebook or Instagram stalker as well?
 
 Oh yes, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Who are they dating now, what are they like? what pictures are they putting on? why is their life so much better than mine…
 
 We just can't! we can't! It’s self torture!
 Compare and despair, 100%, don't do it.
 
 And we never learn, we still do it every time
 
 Breakups are hard - it's a loss. I used to read this amazing book, it's called. What was it called, oh yeah it's called. It's called a breakup, because it's broken. Life changing. Highly recommend to any of our broken hearts out there.
 
 Yeah, and I think if you're meant to be you're meant to be. And you've just if it doesn't work out best because there's someone else out there, and you've just got to find it in the correct manner
 
 In the correct manner where we aren't breaching regulations Yes exactly, and putting other people's lives at risk.
 
 Exactly. Yep, do it in the right way and you will find love. Yeah.
 
 So Victoria Have you brought a game to play?
 
 I have indeed one truth and two lies.

All right, hit me with it then 

Okay, so I'm going to go, I'm going to say 3 statements, and you are going to have to guess which one is true, and there are 2 lies. This will prove how well you know me. Statement number one, I've been engaged, three times. Statement number two. When I was young, I used to get pleasure from climbing the garden pole. Okay, and 3. I used to own a market stall.
 
 Oh my god, I mean, can I ask questions?

Yeah, go for it. 

Okay, so what was the market stall?
 
 The market stall was like brick and Brack like washing line pegs and, like, screws and just like general sort of brick a Brack hardware,
 
 and how much does it cost to rent out the market stall?
 
 It depends because there's several round here we've got several market towns around here so the sacksmunden market Becker's market. Yeah, I can't remember that so many years ago. Okay.
 
 How much money did you make on the market stall?
 
 Could vary really depends on how busy it was could be 150-200 a week maybe 

What were the three engagement rings like?
 
 2 were quite tacky and one was an expensive engagement ring,
 
 Were these engagements to the same person or different people?

Different people.

How long did each engagement last?
 
 some are quite short…. I think the longest engagement was 1year

Why did they all end?
 
 Combination of things really you know sometimes you just realise that isn't the person you want to be with. And they felt the same about me on some of the on a couple of engagements.
 
 What were the proposals like?
 
 one was very romantic, because we had gone away to Paris for the weekend. The other was in just a local restaurant, and I think both of them. Two of them were in local restaurants
 
 Did their people in the restaurant clap?
 
 They did indeed. Oh, and one of them even got me a cake. It was beautiful.
 
 All right, but what is a garden pole?
 
 A garden pole is the, like the washing line pole, you get in your gardens, and like the washing line goes from one pole to the other, like a long across the garden, so it's like a metal pole.
 
 Okay, I this is really hard. You seem to know a lot about these markets. I don't know, I don't think you've been engaged 3 times..
 
 Why not?
 
 You seem like someone who wouldn't get engaged three times I don't know. It's a compliment, I think, yeah, in my mind, it's a compliment.
 
 I'll take it as a compliment. 
 
 I think I'm gonna go for the market stall
 
 you think that's true?
 
 Yeah.
 
 Oh my god, which one is it?
 
 When I was young, I used to get pleasure from climbing the garden.
 
 Oh my God, when you say younger like that kind of scares me like how young?
 
 I was quite young, I was I think it was like 8/9/10 ish. And I just remember I used to go I didn't know I just used to love climbing this pole, and I'd keep climbing it. And I just remember my mum and sister suddenly tweaking on why I like climbing the pole so much like I didn't like understand, you know I didn't like this time I got there, all that come to the garden door and be like, get away from that pole! And I was like but I love the garden pole! In school sometimes they would ask you to like draw what you did at the weekend. When my mum was moving house, I found this drawing I drew of a pole
 
 Oh my god. Yeah. Oh shit you really did love that pole!
 
 I love that pole!
 
 All right. Okay, well you got me there because you seem to know loads about this market stuff
 
 We do have a lot of markets around here to be fair
 
 Wow. All right, so, I've done two truths and one lie.
 
 Oh damn. Okay, so I've got guess the lie. 
 
 Yes. Okay, my first one is that I've burned a house down right, my second one is, I hate cotton wool, and my third one is I got kicked out of a Britney Spears concert.
 
 They all sound true to me
 
 Okay so, with the house that you burn down, was it. Was a deliberate attempt to burn it down?
 
 No, well it depends it depends who you ask in my family but I'm gonna go with no, it was not deliberate.
 
 It was a family home?
 
 It was my uncle's house 

Your uncle's house and how old are you?

About 12 or 13 and so some of your family believe it was deliberate?
 
 The fire department could not conclusively say that it was me. It's all very circumstantial… strong circumstantial evidence that it was me that burned the house down
 
 Okay. So, did they know how the fire started?
 
 Well, they knew where the fire started. And I had happened to have made a campfire, in a very similar position.
 
 Where did you like this campfire?
 
 So basically I was visiting my family in the States, and my uncle and my aunt actually live opposite each other on the same street, okay, I was, you know up late partying we used to hang out on the driveway like and then everyone would slowly slowly went to bed and it was just me and this other guy. 

How old was this guy?

Like 14, I think, and it started to get cold so we made campfire on the driveway. And then I put the campfire in the wheelie bin, put the hose in the wheelie bin because I'm not dumb, I went to bed and then next thing I was being woken up and the house was on fire,
 
 So it started from the wheelie bin outside and worked its way in?
 
 The fire department, could not conclude that it was definitely from the wheelie bin
 
 Okay. And when you say you put the hose in….do you mean you actually sprayed water or did you just get a hose and chuck it in the bin?
 
 Yeah, I didn't understand how a hose worked!
 
 Okay.
 
 I put water in there

Okay, okay.
 
 And this aunt and uncle. Were they married and lived on the opposite side of the street?

They are brother and sister 

Okay, okay. So with cotton wool, it was you don't like cotton wool? Why do you not like cotton wool, it's like a cloud?
 
 It's not like a cloud, it's like touching something that makes me want to die, why it's like can't do stand it. Yeah, I also hate candyfloss because it’s like putting cotton wool in your mouth. It's horrible. I actually, I can't stand it.
 
 And the last one was you got kicked out of a Britney Spears concert. 

Yes, ma'am. 

So, what year was that?
 
 I don't actually know the year, but it was the fourth time I went to Las Vegas.
 
 When she was doing her one of her residences?  Okay, so why did they kick you out,
 
 Because I kept leaving my section and running to the front, and like basically just like screaming at Britney because I loved her. Oh, security kept like bringing me back to my area and they kept telling my friend like you need to tell her to stop or she's gonna be removed from the concert, and I'm just like, Okay, and then I just run straight back to the front again.
 
 Oh wow.
 
 I'm gonna say the truth is cotton wool.
 
 So there's two truths and one lie 

Okay cotton wool and I'm gonna go Britney Spears, 

Well I'm sorry sorry that you are incorrect.
 
 Ah, it’s the house! you definitely burned the house!
 
 Yeah and also yeah I hate cotton wool. They threatened to kick me out the Britney Spears concert.
 
 Okay, honestly any one of those would have been true, in my opinion, as you said, I was like, Yeah, she's done them all!
 
 Well they were very, very close to all of them being true.
 
 Wow. Well, that was fun. That was fun. I enjoyed that. 
 
 Before I forget, in these early days of the podcast. I'm really playing a numbers game, please please click the subscribe button on whichever platform you're streaming from. Also, please leave a five star review on iTunes, that's where all the big stats come from and leave your social media handle in the review and the nicest review is going to win 100 pounds of Amazon voucher. Ooh voucher. it will take two seconds I promise. 

What have we learned today? We have learned that people are still copulating during COVID-19. We can't control other people's behaviour, that's a huge lesson to learn. We've learned that safe sex has a completely new meaning. And we've learned that Victoria wears her mask at all times,
 even in the bedroom. 

Safety first. Always safety first, and I wash my hands for 20 seconds.
 
 You can't be too safe. Thank you, Victoria for joining me today. How was it for you?
 
 Well, I've asked this question, a few times, and the response I normally get when I get asked that is mind blowing. So I'm going to say it was mind blowing, and you'll be pleased to know. I do think we're heading towards a swan friendship. 

Oh, I'm so glad I was really worried 

I could tell

Victoria. If people want to find you. Where can they check you out?
 
 They can check me out on Facebook at shortley Victoria on twitter at V shortley, or on Instagram at Victoriaeshortley. And that shortley spelled l e y. Don't forget the E.
 
 Don't forget the E. 

We’re talking about the letter

And listeners at home, do you have any advice for this caller? If you do let us know hit us up on laugh it off pod on Instagram, Twitter and of course you can call us on 01515287888. 

Have a fabulous day everyone. Let's speak soon and thank you for joining me. love, Alex.