3. Lads Pad and T-Rex

Peter Innocente surprises us all with his hilarious sense of humour and rather fabulous advice. Alex fills us in on the joys of moving into together and plays a disturbing game of Snog/Marry/Avoid!

Transcript

Hello and welcome to another episode of laugh it off, we have Alex, with me, Alex. So today's theme is a mutual cohabitation, also known as moving in together living together cohabiting couples are actually the fastest growing type of family, but 40% of couples split up after moving in together, that seems high, I moved in with my partner February 2021 month before the quarantine kicked in, and I have learned a lot. Things like sharing a bed become challenging, I'm only four foot 11, and I am in desperate need of a Super King, because the pillow politics is just too much. It's turning into a hostile situation, guys. Hot Tip - have separate duvets! Life changing. I genuinely believe it will prevent 100% of murders. Have you noticed, though, that pretty much everyone thinks that they are not the duvet stealer? something's going on there. And then there is the remotes politics TV is now a compromise and I love TV. Everything is suddenly half price which is super cool and now I get why thrupples work! Sharing is kind of weird though like how far does it go? If I buy Doritos and put them in the cupboard… are they OURS?. I would love to know how the bathroom ends up being a paddling pool, stepping in a wet patch in socks…that really gets my goat turns out. Also, peeing in the shower….very divisive! Where my shower pee-ers at? Make some noise. Do you sense the immediate tension? If you don't believe me, ask three people, if they pee in the shower, and you'll see the debate that ensues. The most terrifying thing I have learned is that men don't sneeze normal. What is up with that? It's like a building collapses, every time he sneezes. Yeah, I've learned a lot, but it's super fun, and I love it. 

Today my guest is Peter Innocente. It was so fun interviewing Pete because you genuinely never know what he's gonna come out with. So without further ado, here is Peter! 

Peter, Peter, Peter - How would you describe our relationship?

 I would describe us as partners in comedy/crime, we once turned up to a gig together wearing the same outfit. So I think, in essence we have become twins. From my voice I sound like probably more like one of your students, but I'm actually in fact older than you. I was born in the 80s..

I was born in the 80s too!!!

Yeah but you were born at the end of the 80s. I was born in the middle of the 80s back when he-man had the power to pick up a flower 24 hours a day, you know, at a time when, when your parents were still allowed to kick you in the butt in the middle of the street. I mean, sometimes I didn't even need to walk home, I'd walk out in a shop, and like, I'd throw a tantrum about not getting the sweetness I wanted, and my dad would just pumped me out of the shop, and I'd land on my doorstep. Thank God I miss the 80s. Now I have to walk home,
 
 Would you consider yourself qualified to give other humans advice?

Yeah, well, I’d say in life, you either win or you learn, and out of the two I would say, I've done a lot of learning. So yeah, yeah, I'd say I'm pretty well qualified.
 
 Okay, that's good, what advice would you give to your 18 year old self?
 
 Invest, no. Start zoom, no. All my dreams that I had when I was 18, just do them. 

Are you still passionate about cooking?
 
 You know being a chef there is a certain amount of sacrifice that you need to make, do I want to become that kind of person because you need to sacrifice a lot, and there's levels to cheffing so if you want to go to Michelin star cooking which I've done, you sacrifice a lot, I always say I'm, I am a passionate chef but I'm as passionate as I can be
 
 Tell us something else you are passionate about?

Tea, like, you don't even know - I drink like 15 cups of tea a day, I don't like anybody else making my cups of tea. It's just not worth it.
 
 What kind of tea?
 
 What would we say, builders tea. I was having this conversation actually yesterday with somebody were outside the poncey coffee shop. And they asked us what tea we wanted, and I said a builder's tea and the lady looked at me and when. What is that? And I was like, ‘You are a coffee and tea shop. You do not know what the most popular tea in this country is?’ what are you doing….seriously
 
 Could this be described as a caffeine addiction, perhaps? 

Possibly, but you know, I'm still in a state of denial, so let me, let me have that 

We all have our vices 

We all have our vices. As vices go. I don't think you're ever going to get me breaking into your house, trying to get money to be able to buy about a pack of Yorkshire tea bags. So I don't think it's, it's the worst vice to have.
 
 Are you taking Yorkshire tea forward as the best?

It is probably my preferred tea. Wow, even though I must disclose I saw on a video the other day that it does have microplastics in it so I don't want people to go out and buy loads of loads of Yorkshire tea and then end up, you know, realising that they've got a condom inside them. 

That disclaimer stands!
 
 I don't know if that's a disclaimer as such but anyways, let's move on. 

Let's listen to this week's voicemail.
 
 Hi, Alex. I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and he's asked me if I wanted to look for a flower movie and I really do. But there's one thing I'm worried about is currently if he always has people over chilling playing Xbox and PlayStation and I'm just more of an introvert. I'm worried our planes will become the new hangar for his friends, and they just tend to be quite messy and allow them. Sometimes I feel excluded when they're together. So, how can I explain that to him. I don't want our flat to become a new lads pads.
 
 I identify with this girl. I'm in a similar relationship where I'm the introvert, he's the extrovert yes corner, I'm all about joy of missing out. I get you caller! Peter - what are your initial thoughts?
 
 Well, I can understand I mean I think most relationships have somebody who is a bit of an introvert, and the other person is a bit of an extrovert it's not uncommon with what the caller is saying. When you're gonna make a big leap in a relationship into moving together I mean, from what I kind of get a feeling that this caller is kind of young and I think like just going off really how her partner is living his life in a moment it's kind of like a younger man's way of living. So what I would say is, in a relationship, when you are taking a step, you need to be able to express what your expectations are in these next moves, because if you just do it blindly without listening to what the other person wants, or is expecting, then you were nice surprises come, or disappointments come, it's going to cause friction in the relationship you might get somebody feel like they, they, they need to rebel because they feel like that hard done by. She needs to have a talk, because from what I hear is, he's inviting her to live with him. So she needs to express her insecurities straight away, because she moves in and then a year down the line. Her anxieties just build up and build up and it causes arguments and friction. It's just never gonna work out but she puts it on the table immediately then he can address those issues. And then when these problems come along later he cannot say that he did not see it coming.

I think, caller you are definitely along the right lines you have to have this conversation before you move in together, moving will not solve this issue on its own. You can't assume that he is aware that this is a problem. And so I think, you know, you definitely need to have this conversation. It might be quite simple and straightforward, but you've definitely got to have that conversation, there is kind of a gut feeling that makes me question. If you've been together for two years, has the caller raised this previously? I'm getting the impression that the issue with the friends hasn't been raised and that's making me think maybe you're a bit too scared to rock the boat, which is not a good foundation for moving in together.
 
 It could also just be a case that she's never felt it was her place to say anything because it sounds like she wasn't living in, in, in his home at the time. So, you know, it's not her place to tell him how to live in his home. But, you know, it's different, if they're going to move in together and yeah she's fully entitled to, to express these feelings but yeah like we said you have to put these feelings on the table before you move in, it's just gonna cause friction, but at the same time, the guy might bring his friends around, and then she just realises that she's much better on PlayStation than any of them, and then they just stopped coming around…
 
 so basically what you need to do caller is spend the next few weeks getting really good at FIFA, Call of Duty, all the games, so that they don't want to come around to play anymore because you just beat them all the time.
 
 Oh yeah. One thing I want to point out as a man, is men can mature at the flip of a coin. So he's not a complete lost cause. At this point, I, I know many stories of guys who like friends who you would not let them hold your beer in the pub, you would not trust them. And then the next thing you know, they're having kids, but they ended up becoming the most doting fathers, the most loving husbands, and that's because that maturity happened, the moment that they realised that they had to take a certain responsibility, yes, sometimes it doesn't happen sometimes that coin doesn't flip in people's heads, but I think she needs to she needs to be open, and give him the chance you know if he if he decides to have more of a mature relationship with a lady and, and create a home together rather than making it a lads pad.
 
 Yeah, I think that description does sort of put the image in our minds have a bit of immaturity going on. Think that we can't assume that that will continue once they move in together. I think this is actually a really good opportunity, like if you should look at this as an opportunity, almost like a test so of how this conversation goes, but I think the wording that you use is really, really important. Pete How do you think she should raise this issue? give her a script…
 
 Say, ‘look, I love you very much. I don't think you're very good at PlayStation. No, I love you very much. I want to move in with you. But I have to say that I am a bit apprehensive about about your friends being there, being in the house all the time. What do you think what's your, what are your ideas for when we move in, because I would like to make a home together for us, but I don't want it to be a lads pad.’ I think it's as straightforward as that. At the same time, I’d just like to add, if he if he does turn around then he's like no, it's my friends forever. You know, it's not the worst thing for her because like we said they sound like a young couple, as they say, there are plenty more cocks in the chicken coop. So, you know…
 
 That classic saying

That classic saying!

Yeah I agree, you've got to let go this fear of bringing it up like you've just got to do it, you're either gonna find out that he just, you know, really didn't have a clue that it bothered you so much, and he's gonna be really accommodating and you guys can kind of come to a place of compromise, or you find out that he's not ready he's not ready for this sort of relationship, and I think saying something, just like, ‘Hey babe, I'm so excited to move in with you I really am. I do have one slight hesitation, which is that I am a bit more of an introvert, and I know that you really like to hang out with all your friends. All the time and you're more social and I love that that's great but I am a little bit worried that maybe our flat could maybe become the new hangout for your friends, and I just don't know how comfortable I feel if they were around all the time. What are your thoughts? How often do you see them coming round?’
 
 Yeah, I think that's very fair.
 
 Just be sound curious basically sound more curious than accusatory
 
 Yeah I feel, I feel you just need to put your cards on the table and ask him to do the same, because you are making you're making a commitment together. This is almost an investment life investment together, you need to know what you guys what your expectations both are,
 
 And also you both need to be aware that moving in together, there's going to be a lots of compromise needed! right Pete?
 
 Yeah I mean, when I moved in with my wife, we, we had a conversation about getting a pet. My wife really wanted a cat, I was a dog person. But yeah, she, she literally bullied me for a year. Can I get a cat. Can I get a cat. Every time I come home. Can I get a cat can I get cat, and eventually we compromised and got a cat. And now I can't get rid of it, and I'm cleaning up his shit, getting woken up by him at 4am, but hey, sometimes you win and sometimes you learn

and sometimes you get a cat
 
 and sometimes you get a cat.
 
 I don't know if that's compromise exactly, but I'm really glad that that's how you got your cat. 

Okay so Final Thoughts Peter, what is your advice? 
 
 The talk, have the talk. It is a relationship so you, you need to go through these things, and I believe that they just stay in early days of their relationship so it's not a bad thing, that these conversations have not been had, they need to sit down and, and talk about what their expectations are.
 
 I'm with you, my final thoughts are this is a big step. It's normal to have some anxiety around it, but you've got I've got to put that out of your head and be honest, have the conversation by the end of it, you'll know whether this is the right decision for you or not. And please let us know how it goes messages and let us know.

It's game time so Peter, I'm hoping you're prepared and you brought a game to play. Okay, you remember, fantastic, will you play a game with me?
 
 Yeah, as long as it's none of those games from the saw movies…
 
 You’re safe. Don't worry,  Would you play; Would you rather? with me.
 
 I rather would. 

Here we go. I'm gonna start you off easy. Would you rather marry Piers Morgan or Boris Johnson.
 
 I probably would say, Boris Johnson for the sole fact that he's probably more entertaining Piers Morgan. Piers Morgan - I think would drive you mad pretty quickly. Whereas, Boris 90% of the stuff he says is complete nonsense. And it's just I think comedy sound bites, a lot of it, so at least they would just make you laugh, if you didn't think about the fact that he was also running the country at the same time.
 
 Think I'm with you on that one. Would you rather have to tell everyone, every thought that came into your mind, or sleep on a bed of dead snakes every night forever. You can ask follow up questions.

To be honest, I think the first one, I do any way. I currently just speak my mind so I don't think I can get away from that
 
 Every thought, like, even the thoughts that you can't say out loud, they would just come out of you.
 
 I know you have a tendency to not listen to half of this shit I say but I pretty much say dreadful shit. And I'm allowed to say shit on this show?
 
 You can say whatever you like!

Fuck yeah!
 So, yeah, I would say, I would say probably the first one, snakes, I don't really have a problem I mean it would stink like high hell, pretty sure that anything dead smells Alex,
 
 Well maybe they're just like, like replenished regularly because obviously they're gonna disintegrate they're gonna break down so like, they restock the dead snakes weekly,
 
 No I'm, I'm committed on the first one I mean, you know,
 
 Interesting, personally I'm going for dead snakes I'll sleep on those dead snakes every night if I have to. I can't, I can't open up this little this locked box up here. It's dangerous.
 
 It's okay, we still love you.
 
 Thank you. Okay, Peter over to you what game have you brought for us to play
 
 My game Alex is snog marry, avoid. 
 
 Do it. Okay. Hit me.
 
 Here are your options, would you snog marry, avoid;  Jesus, the Pope, or Buddha.
 
 So basically you want Christians, Catholics and Buddhists to have major beef with me.
 
 Okay.
 
 There's only one straight line of answering, but we'll see where you go…

I'm definitely, going to marry Buddha, because I need that sort of influence in my life like I welcome that. I would… was a kill or avoid? Avoid. Ok I'm going to avoid the Pope. And I will snog Jesus
 
 For sure you got snog Jesus right?
 
 I think you've gotta snog Jesus - if he's around.
 
 Yeah. The Second Coming, just to snog Alex.
 
 Well, you know, stranger things have happened
 
 there'll be a lot of people in that waiting list for that snog

Well I’m saving it for Jesus. 

Next, would you snog marry avoid… and I'm going a bit out there on this one

The last one was pretty out there. 

This is next level. This is would you snog marry avoid; a T Rex. A brontosaurus or a Terradactyl?  Again I've thought about this one and I think there's only one line of answering but we'll see what you think
 
 You've, you've got me in a tricky position here. Now I know T rex have the little arms. So I'm thinking that's not going to be very useful. So, I'm gonna avoid T Rex, sorry little arms, it's not working for me. Brontosaurus I think is the one with the spiky back, or like on all fours, if I'm not mistaken. I wouldn't mind riding a Brontosaurus, so I'm gonna snog, the Brontosaurus, maybe a bit more. And, and I say snog, the Terradactyl…they can fly right.
 Oh yeah, definitely. I'm down. I am marrying Teradactyl. Did I did I pass the test Peter?

Yeah. So I was thinking, because a brontosaurus is a vegetarian, so they're not gonna eat your face off when you kiss him. So that's a snog. A teradactyl - they fly. They have wings, so that when you get cold. They just hug you. They just hug you in the nest, it’s sweet and you wouldn't want to snog a teradactyl- it has a really long beak, that's just, yeah, that just ain't gonna happen. And yeah, T rex I mean you've seen Jurassic Park, you gotta avoid them. You've got to get in a Jeep, and you've got ride.
 
 Wow, I feel like we took two very different approaches to this

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Well, sadly, that brings us to the end of the episode, Peter. How was it for you?
 
 It was great, and a whole lot of fun.
 
 Oh good, Peter, thank you so much for joining me today. I really really hope that we can wear the same outfit again sometime soon, and I'm grateful to know you and I'm really grateful that you took the time to do this with me.
 
 No problem. And I always look pretty in pink.
 
 Alright, so we've learned that it's best to be honest, don't be scared to say what you want,
 
 what you really really want, a zigga zig ah 
 
 relationships are all about give and take. And we've learned that the way to get a pet is to continuously nag and wear your loved one down - right Pete?
 
 Oh yeah,
 
 Hit us up on laughitoffpod on Instagram, Twitter and of course you can call us on 01515287 triple eight. Have a fabulous day everyone. Let's speak soon and thank you for joining me.
 love Alex