6. Pants on Fire

Donna Landy joins Alex to discuss beamer betrayal, balderdash blanks and bigfoot banter! Please recommend us to a friend and rate us on iTunes x

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Hello and I'm so glad you've joined me for episode six of the laugh it off WebEx. So the topic of this episode is lying. Oh my goodness, this dilemma has opened up a can of deceit or regular worms for me. When I was younger, I was a bit of a lie addict, and unfortunately there's no such thing as lie as anonymous. Oh, there's a gap in the market, somebody can use it. I'll give that one to you as a gift. Now I live a much more truthful life, which means I'm a lot quieter. No, not really, the only thing that doesn't make sense, is that my pants have never been on fire. They should have been. I should have been one big flame walking around like, Oh, is it hot in here. I am honestly talking fire brigade levels of lying, but not anymore. I'm evolving your work in progress. So I did a deep dive on Liar, liar, pants on fire. First originating in print in the 1930s it was a children's rhyme. The second line is your nose is longer than a telephone wire. That seems like a Pinocchio thing. Well, the Pinocchio thing itself is a bit strange his nose got longer when he lives besides the whole fully rational concept of puppet turning into real person. Having the nose grow that really gets me, I would have been finished. I don't know, I'd have to have a bag to carry my nose in. Yep. Before I left somewhere I'd have to scoop up my metres of nose and plunk it in my bag. I'd have to go nose bag, who's designing that no Gucci, that's for sure. No Louie Vuitton. Shout out to the bad liars. I love bad liars, that lie isn't my favourite. It's so good I don't know why I love it so much. I think part of it is the satisfaction that night, I know you're lying so I felt like a detective, or that I'm smart. Detective Alex trashley on the case. I just find bad lies bunny. I love you though bad liars and I have nothing but love and respect for you, and I'm glad that you're a bad liar, it's a good thing to be a bad liar. Yeah, I think, lying is a weapon that you can only use in emergencies, do not break glass, unless it's an emergency like your parents being on fire for example, if you have told any hilarious bad lies, then please send them to me at laugh it off pot, Unless it's gonna save a life. Don't lie. That's a trashy tip right there. Today, the very funny Donna Landy joins me this episode to find out what the truth really is. Does it even matter. And can we handle the true Donna and I met in the fabulous year of 2020 I don't know if you've heard of it. And we absolutely smashed it at the Brighton Fringe Festival last year, not even COVID-19 stopped us from killing it and light after night, with full houses. I hope you enjoyed this as much as we did recording it, a hilarious Comedian and friend is Donna. 


Have you noticed that I always say hello darling When, when I greet you, because I just really like the way that you say it to everyone so that's nice. Yeah I'd like it to be sweet, I noticed that find it really endearing when people call you love or darling or sweetheart. Yeah, me too. I like it. I did get McDonald's once drive thru and the person was like hey go babe, and I was like, but I mean that's a bit too far. I mean, I'll take it you know it's been telling me to eff off, but better than Here you go. Minger. Here's your effing fries. Donna you've got an hour solo show coming up, tell me all about it. Oh my god, it's so exciting and so daunting. I've never done an hour straight before it's my first solo. So, I'm a virgin. As you know it's going to be about. It's going to be. It's a romp through being trans, growing up Jewish everything really like life, the universe and everything, you're going to cram all that in an hour. Yep, it's going to be the whole bang shooting map but this is my gonna be my first and last solo show, while I'm still pre up, so why not just shove it in there and see how exciting that is just so exciting so excited for you. When I think about the Brighton fringe, which was last October, do you remember how optimistic we were, we were basically planning a national tour, and then all of a sudden things went very very backwards again. It was just a fabulous experience and that Sunday night gig or last gig was mental was like, oh my god, I was so drunk before we didn't even come in several months into the eye, a woman fell off her chair in the middle of us into the middle of the aisle. And bear in mind, you're trying to keep everyone socially distance you can only sit in bubbles. They are so rowdy, they honestly think that this is like a q&a session they do not understand that this is a stand up comedy show audience were just terrible. They were not playing the game. They were horrible heckling heckling heckling interrupting interrupting shouting from the back, just having conversations in the audience, getting their phones out. Yeah, I gotta tell you, Alex. That is my kind of crowd. I love it I bounce off that stuff, and I think I know exactly what you mean like I like, I don't. I definitely don't like a silent audience. I actually really enjoy being heckled, I like that challenge of hat trying to be really quick and respond and also I think in general I don't know why I just love it when people make fun of me, I just love it. I find it so funny. How did you first get the courage to actually get up and do stand up comedy because it took me a long time, you know how you always have that nagging feeling of like, I'd love to get that okay. But then I saw this thing about on nothing was a website they teach you get up and do five minutes on that well why not, how bad can it be. I was wrong. It was really bad, rushed right through I got no laughs, the best comment that night was nice hat. I think the best worst feedback I've got was a complaint about the seating, one. Another one I've had is I just never saw you as funny. So that was good. Don't invite your friend to pharmacy, your show is the two brutally honest, my friends never come. Well, enough about how amazing our lives, I don't know you ready to listen to this week's voicemail. 

Hi. I have a moral dilemma. My husband and I had a really stupid fight about two years ago and you resulted in me not be allowed to drive his BMW anymore. It's fine like I'm just sort of being stubborn kind of bought it anyway. So basically, I decided to drive his car to do the weekly shop because it was gonna be a big one, and he was actually stuck away on business at the beginning of the pandemic. Anyway, I accidentally scraped a bumper on a body thing and just put it back in the driveway, and I was actually going to tell him the truth, but he just didn't bring it up, so I couldn't bring it up, and then a few months later, he had a few beers and told me that he scraped his car and he doesn't remember when and his music must have been too loud to hear this Craig. I always tell him his music is too loud. Anyway, I don't want to tell him it was me, because I shouldn't have been driving the car in the first place. I don't even know if I'm insured on his car to be honest. Oh, and it is his company car like it isn't his his in the lease is up soon. So, yeah. Do I need to tell him. 

Okay. Caller. You are bad girl. You are so naughty. So to be clear, one you stole his car, too. You've damaged the stolen vehicle, three, you've not told him the truth about it, and on top of it, if you let him think that it was him. I also love how she door handled that last little bombshell like, Oh, oops, he broke the law twice, and also wasn't insured by. Do you know what I mean by door handling donna? no idea. I think it's I don't know where I got this from but I think it's like a doctor thing where basically, patients will come in and say one thing and they but they really have something else that they want to say and so then they'll get to the door, and then the doctor says, Oh, are you sure there's anything as well. And then they'll actually talk about the real thing. And, yeah, identify from, and as you're on your way out. Right. That's a really important thing. Yes, you got you. Yeah, and I feel like if this quarter would have asked me this a few years ago, I think, in my mind, I would it would have been a no brainer here, I would have been like, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, Donna, what are your initial thoughts. Wow, yeah my initial thoughts were that keeping secrets is corrosive to relationships and you can, you can never build a successful relationship. Online brief form, which is really awkward because, I mean obviously bringing something up like this is really scary and telling your husband, it could jeopardise your relationship, and who wants to do that for something which is seemingly so trivial, but it's had such is clearly as having such a big impact that you feel you have to write in and ask for some advice. So yeah I feel for you. Yeah, I think there are two, what I mean there's two options here, either come clean, or keep quiet, should she tell him. What do you think should she tell him, Donna. I don't think it's a question of should or shouldn't I think I think what's going on here, there's it. First of all there's some, it sounds like there's some pretty strong and stuck emotions. For this corner, and I know that when I've done things like this in the past. Right. As humans we, it's a very natural emotion but we don't want to end up to the revenge. And it could be that there's something going on like this with the colour that, that she says that the fight from two years ago, it doesn't really matter whether she's as a result, she's not allowed to drive that BMW but I think I'm wondering if that really that's true, what if, what if there is something really important in that fight for her, and that, and that this is kind of didn't set out for revenge but it is a revenge of assault damage the beloved BMW, isn't it, and maybe there's maybe there's a part of her. That's kind of gleeful about that and owning owning up to that to herself, if nobody else will free her from this kind of mental torment that she's in about the whole situation is the phrase, I'm not allowed to use his BMW anymore. That sounds to me like a bit of a humble brag lie alright husband Scorpio, we get a. Well, the fact that, you know, it's like allowed. I think that the resentment is clear. Yeah. Isn't that so, yeah, to get somewhere. Perfectly natural would be the most natural thing in the world. Does the fact that it's a company car change anything. I don't see why I mean in a way it kind of makes the problem go away and then you don't have to. You'll always know. You know, and then, do you want an intimate open relationship where you talk about everything and anything, or do you want to have secrets, it's up to you, you can have one or the other but you can't have both. And the quality of relationship, your relationship will be determined by what which choice you make. And you know, if you love each other and if you have a strong relationship. It sounds to me like you could bring this up in a way, with your partner, your husband, that it would be okay in the end. Yeah, it's not going to go well initially to say look I lied and I drove your car illegally. And to be honest the other people are at risk because I wasn't insured. I did all that, but I'm sorry, and I want to be honest with you because I love you. And I want to have a great relationship. If you do it like that, there's every chance it might go, Well, I want us to have a great relationship too. That sounds nice, I like that, but just something you need to tell me Alex. Have you driven my BMW. Do I even have a BMW. I am wondering how much this is affecting the husband also because she, she added in that detail that he didn't say anything for a really long time and then after he had a few drinks like, What is he trying to get up the courage to tell her that he's done this, because I actually really agree with what you said earlier is that this fight that they had previously obviously is really affecting them both, because I think that's probably why he hasn't come clean about the fact that he damaged the car, and well, same for her, but yeah I'm just like, Oh no, this man like if it's really getting to him. Then she, she's got to tell him. But you know what I'm thinking as you're saying that Alex is to do you have a sneaking suspicion that he might actually already know, she was giving her a chance to say so to own up to him in a way that wouldn't might be too terrible. Oh my gosh, this just got way more complicated Donner he just blew my mind. Oh, wow, if he does anything to me that could be a signal that he's like laying the groundwork for you know if you do want to, if it was you, and you did want to own up, it would be okay. Just bear in mind, I think, I think the truth needs to come out, you know that confession, false confession that false confession, really did give her that opportunity that she just didn't take so it does kind of add that next layer on this issue. The chief probably needs to come out and stop lying. Don't lie, don't try and cover it with a lie, like a triple layer lie sandwich because there's not the route to go. I do feel her on the loud music though like I do not do well with nerve noises at all. Would you take your lover's car. No, no I don't, I don't want to go to jail. I'm really okay if you're insured if you're insured. I mean I might, you know, if I was in her shoes I might well have done the same thing I wanted to say, you know, it's perfectly is perfectly normal, in long term relationships to have secrets like this that you feel so terrible about that you just can't say, but I mean, often it involves infidelity, so at least at least there's not that right, certainly, I think if relationships can withstand a little bit of infidelity and a lot of them do, then it could certainly withstand a little car theft and little bumper scrape right, it's not as if you tell me just a little bit of Grand Theft Auto minor loss and he returned it, you know, that I don't I don't know if she's going to do it, she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't want to do it. I'd say maybe maybe it's not going to be as terrible as you think that's true, what's your final advice Donna, go with what's in your heart. If your heart is telling you that I really want to tell him because I care about him and their relationship, then go with that. If your heart says no, then, then don't. You always know what's best for you, what you've done isn't nearly as bad as you think. And his reaction probably isn't going to be nearly as bad as you think, oh my god that was amazing. That was really good advice owner, can I just be like, whatever she said, Yeah, but I think if you keep quiet, you have to do some sort of karma, restoring act of kindness, you really got to work on your karma point to Donna you have any ideas of what our caller could do is there, is there a charity which helps victims of uninsured drivers I know that government does. Oh, that's a really good idea. I bet there is, I bet there is. So, a donation or volunteering or something for that would be great, but I'm just wondering and maybe she could pay for them, but that would that would imply a sense of guilt, they wouldn't know. Yeah, they're gonna incriminate yourself. Maybe you just, I'm gonna take a vow that you were not lie to him again, and you'll always tell him the truth, or at the very least, don't drive his car again. And if you do, don't drive it into anything. I do get temporary insurance. But if you do, make sure it's when he's out of town and you've got time to get the damage breaks before he gets back. Why did you get it fixed colour this could have all been avoided, realistically, this probably will be just one of those funny stories that you both tell one day is probably not funny yet, so try not to make any jokes too soon too soon. It's not gonna be that bad rip off the band aid rip off the plaster to see how as transatlantic they're covering all bases plaster and band aid. We got to cover all bases these days. I really think you should tell him the truth, because now Dawn is planted that seed in my head that he might already know, but I really really want to know what happens in this one, so please please do mean a lot of pod, and tell me because I feel very invested now.

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So I have perused the internet for the weird and wonderful and picked some of my top favourite finds however I will not be telling you the whole headline I will leave blanks and I'd love to know what you think is really there. Oh great sound. It sounds great, I love these kind of games. Alright so the first one, it actually starts with a blank, blank, wax figure moved because people kept punching it in the face. No, Mrs. Thatcher. Nice. People still really hyped up about that job. Fair enough. I mean, yeah, you can still punch Hitler in the face, Theresa May, oh my gosh you're such a tease of what you're gonna say, Come on, he must be the most punchable person in the face right now in the world. In, Donald is Donnie has, has his waxwork got the wig on, or has it blown off I just need to know. But there's loads of dents in his face. Apparently so. Maybe they should keep it there as a public service, I mean, helps them get their anger out. Alright, number one, so Prosecutor demoted for delivering blank, while on the job, heroin, cocaine. It does sound like drugs but it's actually not drugs. Oh, baby, not heroin. Delivering someone else's but delivering placed on play yeah basically so it's actually DoorDash which is like delivery, Uber eat. Why was he doing that for, they're not paying him enough. Clearly, unless there's drugs inside the food containers, who knows, have they checked we should tell the police. Have you checked what's inside. Okay, excellent. So x blank store worker so it's the name of this companies and store confirmed secret policy that rewards polite customers, I love this one so Marks and Spencers with D, I love m&s Shout out to m&s. I love you. God's way of telling you you've got too much money. I said this is the previous episode. If I could be wealthy enough to do all my food shopping at m&s. I'm happy. So, which company do you think it is. Thanks for this is an international brand McDonald's perhaps good guests. Extra fries. Yes, shake a baby is a technology brand, Apple, yes. Say we're giving services away for free so if you come in and you're asking for a service like replace your battery which you normally have to pay for each worker basically gets like an allowance that they can give services for free I love getting back in my good books. Alright next student legally named himself after a blank, in exchange for free, sushi or fish, you got it. Yes, a fish. So for two days for you and all your friends to eat or you can eat sushi for free. You had to legally change your name to salmon. No. The incident which has been dubbed Salman chaos in local media has seen lots of young people formally request to change their name. Alright, next one, China's first blank hotel sealed off by police with customers still inside. Oh, it's at a sex hotel close, you're missing one of the words I'm missing a word, so you've got Chinese first sex, something hotel, sex. So 20 pounds for an hour. Advice is China's first sex doll hotel, so you pay to go and do your business with the sex dolls. Okay. Blanc reward grows to over one and a half million pounds as Oklahoma State Government increases bounty. So they're looking for someone or something in Oklahoma, is it Santa Claus. You're not far to be honest. It's not Donald Trump again as you know, and they've got Harvey Weinstein's history. Oh please, Andrew, is it Prince. Oh my god, I can't have the Royals come at me Don't possibly be, it's Bigfoot got a worst case if centre was just big forget any of the money or is it sort of going to the bank account, I don't think are big for IT spend his money on overhead for your, for these very low fee, very large shoes. He's a wax, You would need like 5 million to activate. Maybe laser hair removal or sustainable. Okay, so the final one, litter pickers astonished. After finding a sex toy near blank and blank at Beech deck. Nothing would surprise me anymore. I'm telling you. We've all had a hard year. They are things items objects, a bottle of suntan oil, oh my god she was such a tease. Again, I thought you were gonna say it I got so excited. My head was like picked up like a meerkat like no wine, yes. So the second one, shovelled. Luckily no donkey. Oh, three things together that I was like, Oh God, no, no, no, it's a poo Bag.. And unfortunately, that brings us to the end of the episode, so that just leaves me to thank you for taking the time for doing this with me darling, what have you got coming up. Is there anything you want to tell us about so we can check you out and see your fabulous fabulous comedy on sounds proper comedy showcase number five. It's on Sunday March 28 Eight o'clock, and you can find the event on Facebook or Twitter Instagram can we find you. You can follow me on posh training with a double N and N IE, Hitman pro socials, always love new followers. Awesome, well, Donna, thank you so much for joining me, and let's do this again soon. Let's do it. 

What have we learned, we have learned that there is a gap in the market. The lie detangler calm on Tangle teaser Johnson and Johnson, I'm handing this one to you on a plate. We have also learned that Donna thinks that there are several works works worth punching, and I'm just grateful that my pants are incombustible joining me next time. Love, Alex.